As a new mom you hear the same advice, comments and questions many times over from well-meaning friends, relatives and strangers. You smile and politely answer their questions but this is what you’re really thinking:

“Is your baby sleeping through the night?”

Hold on, I’m going to try to answer you with a straight face. Nope, I can’t. Newborns aren’t meant to sleep through the night, and if I have one of the elusive, mythical ones who does — SHHH! Don’t talk about it. You’ll jinx it!

“You must be tired.”

Yeah, I AM. Wait, are you saying that because I look tired? Tell me more about how bad I look. Then let me tell you about spending 30 hours in labour, then giving birth only to sleep in 45 minute increments round the clock between feeding, changing and rocking this baby back to sleep. Hey, where are you going? Come back …

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”

Excellent advice for legal purposes, but I want to sleep NOW.

“Enjoy this time, it goes by so fast.”

Time is a flat circle. Time is a subjective and relative. By any meaningful measure, sleepless nights actually go slower than restful ones. It’s hard to enjoy this time, particularly when people are pressuring you to enjoy it.

“You know what I did that worked for my kids…”

Ok, I know you mean well with your suggestions but when I’m frustrated and tired and dealing with a cranky baby I just need you to say. “Yeah, that sucks, I hear you.” Or better yet: “Here, let me take him for a loooong walk while you have a shower.”

“Oh it’s probably just gas.”

Just gas? JUST gas? My baby has been crying for HOURS. It certainly doesn’t seem like just gas to her. And if you’re saying it in response to a sweet little baby smile — shut it. Those smiles get me through the day sometimes. Let me believe they’re for me dammit!

“So when are you having another?”

Get out of my house.

Do you have a newborn? What do you wish people would stop telling you?