Becoming a parent means adopting a whole new way of life. I’ve started doing things I never imagined I would do. Things that pre-baby me would have cringed at, or laughed at, or both. Things that are creepy to most outsiders. If someone caught me on camera, I would look like a class A creepster! Here are 12 of the creepiest things I am 100 percent guilty of doing on a regular basis:
I sniff everything. Sometimes for pleasure (nothing like newborn baby smell; wish I could bottle it up) and sometimes for necessity (sniffing out poo should become a competitive mommy sport). I sniff laundry to see if it can be worn just one more time. I sniff myself to see if I can get away without showering. I sniff food to triple check that it’s safe to eat. Heck, I have even sniffed my daughter’s pee to see if I could detect a UTI.
2. Watching Your Baby Sleep
Okay, it’s incredibly sweet to watch your precious angel sleep, but in all honesty it can appear super creepy. Especially when you’re hovering quietly over their crib at night, in the dark, with a smirk on your face. Or staring intently at the monitor in the next room for hours, with a smirk on your face. It’s even creepier when you start taking pictures of them on the monitor screen. Have you ever seen nighttime monitor pics of other kids? Hello, exorcist! Creepy enough to give you nightmares!
3. Becoming Obsessed With Bodily Functions (Especially Bowel Movements)
I’m one step away from graphing my kids’ daily poop habits and showcasing it on the fridge. I’ve gone as far as taking a photo of a soiled diaper and messaging it to my husband at work with the caption, “Green or brown?” I may also have been tempted to post my child’s first poop in the potty on Facebook, for all the world to see (hashtag proud mom). The poop emoticon has new meaning for me since having kids.
4. Zooming In on Pictures of Your Kids to Get a Better Look
In case you forgot what they looked like, of course. I tend to zoom in on those chubby little arms and legs, stare intently, and nod while I think, “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.”
5. Collecting Fallen Locks of Hair and Baby Teeth
I still have the collection of baby teeth that my mom saved in an archaic film canister. Some of them even have silver fillings. I remember examining them closely as a child, and now I look forward to collecting my own stash of children’s teeth. Except I will store them in a pretty little box. I have yet to cut my daughter’s hair but there is an envelope just waiting to immortalize her precious locks in a scrapbook. Insert creepy, out-of-tune music box music here.
6. Sitting in a Parked car for Hours While Your Baby Sleeps in the Backseat
I get a lot of people-watching time in. You get a 360-degree view of the street if you use your side and rear-view mirrors. Consider wearing a hat and sunglasses if possible. And if you want to throw all caution to the wind, bring a pair of binoculars. Expands the horizons of people-watching. You may be able to catch an episode of Game of Thrones through someone’s window. Too much? Maybe. Or it might just be the most brilliant way to spend your child’s naptime!
7. Being the Mama-razzi
Anything over 100 photos a day might qualify you as a stalker and break your phone. I try to stop at 99. And scrolling through your photos later and staring dreamily at any one photo for an extended period of time? Weird. While we’re talking photos, I should admit I may also be guilty of secretly taking photos of other people’s baby gear so I can hunt for it later. Why don’t I just ask the other mom about it? Because I’m just creepy like that.
8. Gnawing Hungrily on Chubby Appendages
I literally can’t contain myself when I take a look at those rolls! Baby cankles make me want to explode! My baby’s diaper change routine includes a few gnaws here and there. I’m pretty sure he expects it and it never fails to elicit bouts of uncontrollable giggling. I’m also guilty of purposefully leaving him pant-less and sock-less to get a better view of those delicious rolls. I’m lactating just thinking about it.
9. Literally Stalking your Kid
Let’s just say my husband has a serious zoom lens on his camera and we may have used it to track my daughter’s exact movements while she was in an outdoor daycare facility in a resort. I also know a mother who was caught hiding out in a bush to spy on her toddler on his first day in preschool. She really should have considered wearing a tree costume. For the record, these things aren’t creepy. It’s just practice for when they’re teenagers.
10. Listening to Eerie Nursery Rhymes You Find on YouTube
They are some real winners out there. If they successfully entertain my child, I will happily add them to our favourites. Even more creepy? Singing or humming them out loud to yourself while you’re in the checkout line at the grocery store. Without your child.
11. Picking Your Child’s Nose and Wiping Boogers with Body Parts or Clothing
I may or may not have a pair of tweezers stashed on my child’s dresser for pulling out the hard to reach boogers. I may also yell out, “Yes, I win!” triumphantly when I manage to get a really good one. And let’s be honest, when you don’t have a tissue handy, what else are you supposed to clean a runny nose with besides your sleeve?
12. Handling Poop With Your Bare Hands
We can’t leave a conversation about creepiness without discussing this. At some point, every parent comes into contact with their child’s poop. There are a lucky few who have actually held poop in their bare hands. Or, I’ve been told, have ended up with poop in their mouth. I actually caught runny poop coming out of my child so that it wouldn’t stain my diaper pad. Trying to stay clean while getting dirty.
All of these seemingly creepy actions are fuelled by the fierce love we have for our children, so don’t even think about giving them up! I am creepy out of love. That’s my excuse.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done as a parent? Let us know so we can add it to our repertoire of creepiness!
Photos courtesy of Smocks and Sprinkles
*Opinions expressed are those of the author, and not necessarily those of Parent Life Network or their partners.